We’re mining the archives for some of Robin Abrahams’s hit columns you may have missed (this one is from 2008).
I grew up in a brutal, difficult, troubled home. When asked about my family, I have always stated my parents passed away during my childhood. I have a co-worker whose hobby is genealogy and who recently investigated the details of my family history (without my approval) and divulged them to other co-workers. I am now being lectured about “telling lies.” I believe my family history is my own, and the details do not belong in a work environment. What should I do?
L.N. / Maryland
You can’t undo your co-workers’ knowledge, but you’re right: This is not an appropriate topic for the workplace. It doesn’t sound as though you should handle the situation alone anymore. Talk to your human resources representative or your manager about what is going on. Ask for help in creating a message to disseminate to your co-workers (“I had compelling reasons for saying what I did. In a work environment, where it’s not relevant, I want my background to be a private matter” should do) and for support in getting your message out there and muscle to end the office speculation. HR and management may or may not choose to discipline the employee who outed you. (If he were my subordinate, I’d come down on him like a tropical monsoon, but that’s me.) They should, however, be able to help you keep your private life private.
Many times invitations overlap with travel plans, volunteer activities, or events with family and friends — is it polite and sufficient to respond, “Thanks, but we are unable to join you”? I always feel the need to explain why. Also, how do you get someone to stop inviting you?
J.D. / Swampscott
There’s really no way to ask a person politely never to invite you to anything again; it’s basically telling them you don’t want to be friends, which is hurtful even if true. If it’s a particular type of event that you don’t care for, you might say something like, “I love getting together with you for TGIF drinks after work, but I’m afraid my foot-eye coordination will never allow me to join your Sunday soccer group. I appreciate the thought, but I think you can leave me off the list.” But why have a big relationship, or lack-of-relationship, talk when you could just reply, “No, thank you”?
“Thanks, but I’m afraid I/we can’t make it” is all that you need to say when declining an invitation, except in the case of very close family or friends. It’s best, as a general rule, not to get in the habit of giving more casual friends or colleagues a specific reason, as they might come to expect it — and someday your conflict might not be travel or volunteer activities, but a colonoscopy or court date that you’d really rather not talk about.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
link
More Stories
12-hour days, no weekends: the anxiety driving AI’s brutal work culture is a warning for all of us | AI (artificial intelligence)
How would Maine’s proposed climate superfund work?
Tesla Fosters Toxic Work Environment at German Plant, Union Says